I Envy the Rain
by theboywiththebread
Summary: Ivan had wanted Yao, he had gotten him, but then he had ruined everything and lost him. Months later, they meet again by chance on a city street. Is it worth it to try and change things, or would it only hurt them both more? Oneshot. AU. Onesided RussiaxChina.


**This story was partly inspired by the song _I Envy the Wind_ by Lucinda Williams.**

**If you like happy endings, this is not the story for you.**

* * *

Although it was barely four o'clock in the afternoon, the sky was darkened by angry, dark grey clouds. They had been there all day, an ominous warning of the rain that was now pounding down on the city. The wind whipped at Ivan Braginsky's umbrella, threatening to tear it from his hands an send it hurtling down the street, but he dared not close it.

He had bought this red umbrella so that he would never again be soaked to the skin and chilled to the bone by the city's awful weather. It wasn't just because he hated the cold, nor was it because his coat took forever to dry. It was because it reminded him to much of another day when he had gotten wet walking home, when a young man by the name of Yao had offered him an umbrella to share. When they reached Ivan's apartment, the Russian had invited the other man in. One thing led to another, and they ended up in bed together.

It was the most amazing experience of Ivan's life — he had admired Yao from afar for quite some time, but getting passionate with the Chinese man was something he had never dreamed would actually happen. Ivan had thought that it meant he had traded his childish crush for a shot at a serious relationship with Yao.

How wrong he had been.

They had seen each other a few times after that. Ivan supposed that these occasions had been dates — they weren't particularly romantic, though. In fact, they were more awkward than anything. Yao had broken off their nonexistent relationship after that.

"I know it sounds cliched, but it's not you, it's me," he had said, "it's just too strange for me to be going out to lunch or to a movie with you after what we did together."

"Why?" Ivan had asked.

Yao had sighed.

"I don't really do casual sex with strangers. Nothing against people who do, it's just not my sort of thing. Every time I look at you, it reminds me of how easily I lost control and gave in, and it's not something I'm proud of," Yao had said, "I'm really sorry, you seem like a really great guy, I just can't help that I feel this way."

Ivan had nodded.

"I understand," he had said, and that had been the end.

In a single afternoon of passion, Ivan had ruined whatever chance he had had to be with the Chinese beauty.

The Russian sighed and checked his watch. It was earlier than he had thought it was — the bus he was waiting for was only a few minutes late, even though it seemed like much longer.

He busied himself watching the cars drive by. Usually there were lots of pedestrians in this part of the city, but not in this weather. They had all chosen to take their cars instead, and the traffic was even heavier than usual. No wonder the bus was late.

"Sorry to bother you, but is there room under your umbrella for—"

Ivan turned to look at the person who was speaking to him, and as he did, the speaker recognized him. He recognized this person too — it was Yao.

"I'm sorry, I'll—"

"It's fine. There's room under the umbrella if you don't mind sharing with me," said Ivan, moving his umbrella so that it covered both of them.

"Thank you," said Yao, moving his gaze to the road.

He was wet — his clothes were soaked, his hair was soaked, everything was soaked. Droplets of water clung to his long, dark lashes, those golden-brown eyes never quite meeting Ivan's.

They stood in silence. Ivan wanted to say something, but if Yao wasn't talking, maybe that meant that he didn't want to talk. He remembered what Yao had said the last time they spoke — how could he forget? He had been thinking of it just then.

_Every time I look at you, it reminds me of how easily I lost control and gave in, and it's not something I'm proud of._

Did Yao still feel that way? Did he ever think of their intimacy, or had he completely forgotten about it until just now? He hadn't recognized Ivan from afar, even though his platinum blonde locks, snug scarf and bulky coat were fairly recognizable, so perhaps he hadn't spared a thought for the Russian in months.

Ivan sighed, and Yao glanced at him for a moment before quickly turning his head away, as if he were ashamed to have been caught looking.

Yes, Yao remembered what had happened between them, and yes, everything was still awkward between them. Months had passed, but nothing had changed.

"Yao…" Ivan said quietly, not sure if he really wanted the Chinese man to hear him.

"Yeah?" asked Yao.

_Can we try again?_

_I'm so sorry that I ruined things between us._

_I never forgot you._

_You shouldn't be ashamed of what we did._

_It's nice to see you again._

_I like you a lot._

_I've cried myself to sleep because of you, but you shouldn't blame yourself for that._

_Sometimes I think I love you_.

There were so many things that he could say, but the look on Yao's face told him that no matter what he said, the answer would be the same as last time.

"I need to duck into the store real quick," Ivan said instead, gesturing blindly at whatever store they were standing outside, "you can hang on to my umbrella until I get back."

And then he was in the store, Yao's almost unnerving presence no longer there beside him. It was almost a relief — Ivan felt like such a coward, but he didn't want to do something he would later regret, and he didn't want to make the other man uncomfortable.

He stared at a random shelf, trying to make it look as though he was having a really hard time choosing which flavour of Pringles to buy, glancing out the window every so often to make sure the bus hadn't arrived.

Finally, it did. Ivan hurriedly paid for his chips, rushed out of the store, took the umbrella and boarded the bus. He sat down in a seat at the front and watched discretely as Yao made his way to the back.

He didn't know how to feel about what he had and hadn't done, only that he was sure it had been wrong in some way, that if he had acted a little different, things may not have ended as badly as they had done.

Though Ivan knew that he would go over and over theime interaction in his mind, it had been so pointless, so inconsequential. Would Yao think about it?

Would there be a time when seeing Yao wouldn't hurt him so?


End file.
